I am the Mom

It's been a while since I logged a post here.  Life has me flying (literally) in all different directions on a weekly basis.  Mom's digression is slow and steady and here is where we are at now.

I am the Mom.  The time has truly come where I am the Mother of my Mother.  This is such a strange journey for me to travel.  Mom and I have not been very close in an emotional way; hard to explain here.  Mom has a very tender giving heart but our relationship has been one that has not always reflected that.  For some reason it's been much easier for her to show her love to friends and neighbors much easier than with me.  I have always known that she loved me and was proud of me but she was not one to express it - however I did feel it. 

When I come home to see her, she hugs me with a lingering hold and says, "Oh I love you so much, I am so lucky to have you.  Will you come home and live with me?"   She has become somewhat emotional in her fragile state and I'm seeing a side of my mother (in our relationship) that I have not seen.

So here we are.  She wanders the house, looking in closets and cupboards for things she's not aware of.  She picks up books and magazines - only to stare in confusion.  So today I had her read some of her life story to me, out loud.  I have realized that she cannot really read anymore.  She can get about 4 words out and then she stumbles and gets lost.  I fill in the blanks and have her point to her place and she can pick up for the next few words.  I'm not sure she even comprehends what she is reading.  At times she thought it was a "nice story", other times she thought "this lady" was interesting and times she knew it was about herself.

Mom still can put on a good front.  Like, right now, she is sitting with a magazine and her reading glasses looking like she is reading but I know she's not.  Eyes wandering all over the place.  She knows this "position" of reading and it's familiar to her, just as she knows to say "Oh, that sounds nice, Oh, that's sure fun, Oh - thank you"  She smiles and says hello and pretends she knows what's going on but I can see through to her heart and mind - she is lost.

And I am the Mom.  This week, I have fixed her meals, cut her food, made sure she gets enough water, make sure her hair is done, clothes match........ just like she did oh so many years ago with me.  She is sweet, she is grateful and generally pretty happy still.

Dad said that she is starting to get irritated with him at times and he said that she has said that I'm "out to get her"...........  this is one of the sad realities of this nasty disease.  Someday she's going to lash out at me and accuse me of wrong doings.  I PRAY for the strength to muddle through it.  Right now -- she's pretty easy going and willing to go along with plans.

I learned a lot while helping my Mother tend to her Mother with this disease.  Mom was a great teacher- I am grateful that Devon and I were able to live with my parents for a short time and help care for Grandma Nonie.  Little did I know that I was in training.