Well, this parenting your parents thing is ROUGH. Dad and I are really starting to butt heads a bit and I have had to back off. It's hard to watch my parents struggle- my mother is lost and my dad just does not want to come to terms with it.
My efforts to reduce down her closet to a manageable state? THWARTED by my father. He has taken her on several shopping trips yet again. More new clothes , more wrong sizes. She just goes in the dressing room and comes out with "these are great"..... my mother at 5"1 and 115 pounds does not wear a size 10/12. She is more like a size 6 now. AGHHHHHHHHHH I want to scream! And some of the clothes that I had put in the donation bags? Yes, you know it. They are back in the closet.
I will have conversations with him infrequently (because mom is always near by) and sometimes he comes to reality and then others -- he just won't see this disease for what it really is. It's a terminal illness -- he's losing his sweetheart, his pal, his help-meet and part of himself.
My dad is the sweetest man on the earth -- he's very trusting and very gullible. Someone told him about Alz patients and Niacinamide. Apparently this can cure the disease! Well, you guessed it. He has her taking Niacinamide and at first I was rather bothered by his attempts. But, I'm here to say that she seems to be a bit more alert and much more interactive with others than she has been.
My dad has been telling everyone (and many people have noticed on their own) how much better my mother is. She still can't make toast but she can kind of interact with other people. It's a miracle! Well, not quite.
Mom went in for an update (they go nearly weekly for something). Dad was singing the praises of this Niacinamide and how much better mom is. The Doctor was a bit cautious of course and decided to give mom another MMSE http://www.med.umich.edu/medstudents/curRes/cca/m2/2010_resources/MMSE.pdf which she has now taken quite a few times. It's an cognitive skills assessment test. Back in 2008 she scored 21 points out of 30. This was when my parents first came to me and told me what was going on. That mom was having "memory problems". They would not say Alzheimers -- they refused. But I already knew. I had seen the signs in 2005 when they returned from Hungary.
So then, her scores start dropping..... from 21 to 18 then 14 then 10. The other day she scored SIX on the test. SIX!. My parents were devestated. Okay, I'm not sure if my mom even was aware of what was going on. My dad was devestated to say the least.
Dad was thinking mom was on her way to being cured. He had kind of pulled back from running her daily care because he thought she could handle it. In some regards, she seems better and others---- yikes. He just does not want to see it or he just can't.
He spends a lot of time on the computer so he does not see mom wandering the house, opening and shutting doors, picking up things and setting them down, looking outside with a confused expression.
Without baring too much of their personal lives here in a public forum -- I will just say that my father is "rather impatient" with my mother and it's pushing me to a breaking point. The tension between he and I could be cut and served on a platter. I am sure he does not enjoy my visits anymore because he feels like he's living under a microscope. And I don't enjoy just sitting back and watching the train wreck. But I have kind of had to throw my hands in the air for the time being.
In talking with their doctor (who is truly amazingly wonderful) we have come to terms with the fact that my dad is not going to accept this until "something" happens --like mom wanders off, or tries to burn the house down. I pray that we don't have to go that far.
So, mom is more alert- dad is happy and I guess that's all for now. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I love when I call, each day. Mom, "I'm doing so great!" Dad, "Your mom is doing great". I think to myself , "really, because mom doesn't even know how many kids she has". She sees the family picture of me and my brother with our families and thinks that she had all of us. She is just amazed that she was able to have so many children! she's so cute. So, if being awake and smiling is "great' then that's what I'll take.
Oh Penny, How I know this frustration! It takes a long time for a spouse to come to terms. And a long time for them to learn a new way of interacting with the spouse. My family tried to treat mom like mom waaaay too long. She had no ability to be rational so how could she make decisions? As long as she isn't being harmed in some way you kinda do have to let go for a while until your Dad can catch up. Now my Dad says I'm the boss but it took a while to get to that point. Again, my best book recommendation: The Thirty-six Hour Day. My thoughts are with you...
ReplyDeleteReading your post brought back many painful memories. I remember those days all too well. My dad is also a very wonderful, warm man, but my mother's alzheimers changed not only her, but him as well. He was so overwhelmed, he often became very impatient with my mother. He went through a depression and he could not accept what was happening. It's so hard Penny. My heart breaks for you. I think Ria' suggestion to read the Thirty-six Hour Day is a good idea. I would suggest that maybe it would help your Dad if he would agree to read it. My dad tried to read it and I do think it was eye-opening for him, but it was also just too painful to face reality. He wouldn't finish it. Know you are not alone and prayers are being said for you and your parents!
ReplyDeleteKandy, my dad will never read the 36 hour day. I skimmed through the book when my mother and I were caring for her mother who had Alzhiemer's. I've been through this with my grandmother so this is the second time around for me - but this time it's different - it's my mom, not my grandma.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ria and Kandy for your prayers!