Settling in

On Monday July 2, 2012 my father and I moved my mother into an assited living center in St. Anthony Idaho.  The Homestead is a wonderful place where mom will finish out the remainder of her earthly life.

Getting her ready for the day, that Monday morning was almost surreal.  I felt like I had a big secret that I was keeping from her.( Not too long ago I had a similar experience of being involved with an intervension/removal to rehab situation and I almost had the same feelings.)   We had talked about her going there to live - rather we told her that was what was going to happen and she was just fine with our story.  How much did she understand - I'm not sure. 

I had packed a few things of hers - just some clothes, 3 pairs of shoes, basic personal items and some pictures from home.  I had bought her new sheets for her twin bed (hasn't slept in one of those for over 50 years now), a nice new sea shell coverlet (because she loves shells/ocean) and we were off to the new place.  We walked in and the whole time it was as if she had no clue what was going on.  It was so awkward!  She and dad had lunch with everyone while I put her room together. 

Her first 2 nights have been hard -- she gets up and wanders most of the night and so they are going to get her somehting to relax her so she'll sleep.  She's just missing my dad's warm, cushy body next to her but she cannot explain that and she doesn't have to -- I know it.  They've been snugglin' for 53 years now :).   

She has been very pleasant and is so sweet to everyone.  They just love her.  She is helping folding towels which is what I did with her at home to occupy a few moments of the day.  We spent more time with her yesterday - dad and I can eat meals with her whenever we come to visit which is so nice.  The cooks are wonderful and EVERYTHING, down to the bread is homemade, fresh each day.
There is a nice large living room area/lobby area with a big screen TV and mom and dad have sat there cozied up together watching TV, just like home.

Today, July 4th dad and I went to the huge parade here in Rexburg -- kind of different not having mom along with us.  Afterwards we went to see mom and she was just finishing lunch. Meal time is hard for her -- very confused about the use of silverware - from which to use when and HOW to use it.  The staff is great about learning the likes and dislikes of each patient and helps them get their food down. 

Seeing as mom does not have a TV in her room (she can't operate it) I decided to bring her a CD player and dad burned some Tony Bennett and Glenn Miller CD"S for her.  We just put them on and mom perked up!  Dad and mom LOVE to ballroom dance so there they were, in this litttle bedroom with the music on and he took her into his arms and they swayed to the music.  I had to leave because for some reason - REALITY hit me HARD.  As my eyes welled with tears, so did my fathers.  My mom?  totally unware of what was going on, just loving the music.  I went out in the hall, had a good cry (my first one) and then returned to find them just sitting in awkward silence. 

 Mom can't really converse anymore -- just lots of "random phrases and words.  Today was so hard because it was if she had something really important to tell me... I could feel it and see it in her eyes.  The words? Locked up in her mind and heart as if they being held back by a dam.  I wanted the damn to break so she could verbalize what she so depserpately wanted to say but -- nope, not going to happen.  She just kept saying "now, about that.................." and "I was going to....................."  or remember now........."  those dots I just typed---- that's where she stops and looks around in frustration.  She is constantly looking for things  - but doesn't know what.  She grabs for things that aren't there........is that just a reflex thing or is she seeing something?  Oh, I am not liking this one bit.

After lunch and the dance - I laid her down to take a nap and left the music playing....  I hope the nurses just hit the play button when it stops.  maybe I need to find one that will just continue to play?

We just tell her that we're leaving and she says, "ok"......... this is just terrible.  I'm feeling ways I didn't think I would.  This is hard.  Super hard. Getting on that plan tomorrow night is going to be quite an emotional challenge.   While I have been talking myself into the idea and the reality of "this is what is best for my mom" it still hurts.  I should be living here to care for her - that was the plan.  I'm hurt.  I'm mad.  I'm frustrated --  Feeling many things I just have probably been supressing in order to keep my dad afloat. 

He's had a few moments each day when he gets choked up and lets a few tears flow - I'm sure he's trying to be strong for me - and I, for him.  I guess tomorrow night when I'm back home - we'll both let it out and just cry a good cry.

I feel so blessed to have such a great place for my mother -- I think that God knew her path and that she was going to need to be in this town with so many people who love her (her church and neighbors) and that The Homestead was going to be "her place".

My prayer is that she is not going to have to suffer much longer with this horrific disease. However, other than Alzhiemer's she is pretty darn healthy.  Curse or blessing - I just dont' know.   You know, the Lord has very clever ways of teaching us the things we need to know and I'm praying that I"ve been humbled about "old age" and I've learned what I needed to learn about these tender and sometimes very sad/lonely years in an elderly person's life.  I pray that my shortcomings and lessons to be learned are not directly related to my mother's time on earth.  I pray that I can be a quick learner and that she can "go home" and be freed from the hours, days and weeks of her frustrations.