Yes, that is what my mother asked my father today when they were sitting on the couch - snuggled up together watching TV. Now,this was a sizing him up kind of question - not an accusing question - pretty funny.
I'm just here for a day and a half this time -- I've been here a lot the past few months and I continue to fail on my blogging. Back in Februray dad and I had made the decision to move mom to assisted living so I went down, got the paperwork filled out, they had a room, we went and visited and then - he just couldn't do it. I was so frustrated as I had spend days working on it. But, I had to ease off. This is his sweetheart, his couch buddy, his car ride companion, his girl with matching shirt, his love. I've had to take a step back and just let their lives go where it may. It's been hard at times and a relief at other times.
Dad insisted he can care for her so - I continue to let him try. I had a dear friend tell me to keep her home as long as possible because when they go into full time care they tend to go down hill much faster. Dad tries but I fear that most days she is just in her jammies and doesn't get a bath as often as I'd like. Her meals are scattered and not full of variety, things are not perfect but I can't change that.
Last week dad called me with a very frustrated tone of voice. He had been bathing mom and she got very confused with all washing and drying and she yelled at him, popped him one and ran to the bed and hid under the covers, crying. She is so lost --- I was able to calm dad down which was good. She gets so emotional and confused. breaks my heart.
Dad is filled with hope that she will be the recipient of a miracle of sorts. He has great hope that she'll be cured. He's trying supplements he finds and reads about but they aren't doing much good. It frustrates me because there is so much he COULD have done - they COULD have done earlier but didn't. Diet, exercise and mental stimulation - now its' too late.
So today the conversations were about :
Do I live here? Where is "here"? How many children do I have? She asked me if I live here, she asked Lauren if she lived here (all meaning at the house). She was thrilled to hear that she had served a mission to Hungary. She sat me down to tell me that she now understands everything that is going on -- it's because of Alzhiemers! "It explains so much" she said. Oh brother. MY dad actually looked relieved as she shared with this me - as if we'd had a miracle - she understands! Too bad in about 15 minutes she forgets everything we just talked about. And my dad seems to forget that she cannot remember things. I think that he actually thought to himself, "wow, she knows now -- this will be great. she'll be able to function because she understands"...... yikes. I sometimes wonder if my dad isn't battling something himself -- he just cannot process the fact that my mother's brain is just dying.
Who is this man who worked for 25+ years, raised a family, built a swimming pool and deck, cared for cars and our yard, took us on vacation, etc. How can he NOT process all this? It's just beyond my own comprehension. He insists on explaining everything to her which just confuses her even more -- her days are filled with his probing questions (testing her), his explanations which all lead to his frustration and then they argue. It just kills me.
I am going to be looking into getting someone to come in everyday and assists with just general care such as bathing, dressing, food prep for the day and maybe some exercise - for BOTH OF THEM. Dad is not ready to move her to full time care but he is tired and it's wearing on him. He's going to lose her social security when she leaves so why not start using it now to pay for help at the house? It's that or she has got to go to assisted living. Oh I am dreading that day.
This was not the plan. I was supposed to live close by so I could care for my parents. We all started planing this years ago when my parents moved next door to us. Then, they went on a mission - we moved to Idaho. They followed us. It was working out good back then - of course that was before we REALLY needed to be living close. Then, we had to move back to Seattle.
At this point of your battle it is really hard. Putting my mom in assisted living made my Dad physically ill. But with hind sight we learned one thing that could have kept my mom home longer. Hire the help to come in and then move out of the way and let them do their job. Everyone still tried to cater to my mom's wishes when the help came in but she had no logic skills left. It doesn't work to follow illogical desires. She continued to only want family to help and the paid help didn't do much. If we'd walked out of the room and let the help do the job regardless of what mom said or did she could have stayed home longer.
ReplyDeleteMy dad still hopes for a miraculous cure. I don't know if that part ever goes away. It took a long time for my dad to learn not to try to explain everything. And even longer to stop feeling like he was lying to her all the time. We tried to teach him that it is not lying. It is entering her realm of reality. It is less painful for her to tell her that her mother went to run an errand than to repeatedly tell her that she is dead. That little "lie" prevents her from having to mourn all over again every time she asks. Anyway, it will take a while for your Dad to realize explaining doesn't help.
Meals was a big issue with my parents too. Mom was losing weight at home. (she's gaining too much in assisted living). Might meals on wheels be an option?
Why would your dad lose her social security benefits?