I am the Mom

It's been a while since I logged a post here.  Life has me flying (literally) in all different directions on a weekly basis.  Mom's digression is slow and steady and here is where we are at now.

I am the Mom.  The time has truly come where I am the Mother of my Mother.  This is such a strange journey for me to travel.  Mom and I have not been very close in an emotional way; hard to explain here.  Mom has a very tender giving heart but our relationship has been one that has not always reflected that.  For some reason it's been much easier for her to show her love to friends and neighbors much easier than with me.  I have always known that she loved me and was proud of me but she was not one to express it - however I did feel it. 

When I come home to see her, she hugs me with a lingering hold and says, "Oh I love you so much, I am so lucky to have you.  Will you come home and live with me?"   She has become somewhat emotional in her fragile state and I'm seeing a side of my mother (in our relationship) that I have not seen.

So here we are.  She wanders the house, looking in closets and cupboards for things she's not aware of.  She picks up books and magazines - only to stare in confusion.  So today I had her read some of her life story to me, out loud.  I have realized that she cannot really read anymore.  She can get about 4 words out and then she stumbles and gets lost.  I fill in the blanks and have her point to her place and she can pick up for the next few words.  I'm not sure she even comprehends what she is reading.  At times she thought it was a "nice story", other times she thought "this lady" was interesting and times she knew it was about herself.

Mom still can put on a good front.  Like, right now, she is sitting with a magazine and her reading glasses looking like she is reading but I know she's not.  Eyes wandering all over the place.  She knows this "position" of reading and it's familiar to her, just as she knows to say "Oh, that sounds nice, Oh, that's sure fun, Oh - thank you"  She smiles and says hello and pretends she knows what's going on but I can see through to her heart and mind - she is lost.

And I am the Mom.  This week, I have fixed her meals, cut her food, made sure she gets enough water, make sure her hair is done, clothes match........ just like she did oh so many years ago with me.  She is sweet, she is grateful and generally pretty happy still.

Dad said that she is starting to get irritated with him at times and he said that she has said that I'm "out to get her"...........  this is one of the sad realities of this nasty disease.  Someday she's going to lash out at me and accuse me of wrong doings.  I PRAY for the strength to muddle through it.  Right now -- she's pretty easy going and willing to go along with plans.

I learned a lot while helping my Mother tend to her Mother with this disease.  Mom was a great teacher- I am grateful that Devon and I were able to live with my parents for a short time and help care for Grandma Nonie.  Little did I know that I was in training.

leaving

Two days ago I left my mom and dad to come home.  That was a hard one.  I got a call from Kellie- she does mom's hair every six weeks (cut or perm).  I was relieved to hear that she too has noticed quite a decline in mom since Christmas.

At Christmas she could still kind of have a conversation with someone - not much but a little bit.  Kellie said she couldn't even have a conversation with mom -- so she just had to talk TO her, not with her during her perm.  Kellie is about the sweetest lady ever and I love her dearly.  She has been so very good to mom (and dad)

I'm going to look into having someone (or a combination of people) come in to help mom and dad each day.  I think dad is really stressed out for his wife has become his child.  It's been a long time since dad had to be a parent!  He is just having a hard time remembering that SHE cannot remember anything.

In two weeks I'll go back to Idaho and clean out mom's closet - she is SUCH a clothes horse.  Mom loved clothes and dad loved to buy them for her. They use to love to go shopping together; mom was a lucky lady to be with a man that liked to shop. But they were never lavish in their spending and mom loved a GOOD sale.  She taught me well.  Start at the back of the store and work your way to the front!   Mom has too many choices of clothes now. I am going to whittle it down to a few pairs of pants and some warm tops for winter ('cause it's FREEZING there).  Then, 3 church outfits.  This will make things a bit easier.  She's at the point where she has favorites and she wears them over and over again.

Leaving Idaho was hard the other day -- I am left wondering what the next 2 weeks holds for them and if my mom will level out or she is still on a downhill slope.

Who's on first?

So, yesterday I was in the back seat of the car with mom and dad as we drove to town.  I have to start by saying that mom's struggle with language at times causes her to mumble because she is unsure that what she is saying makes sense.  She will mix words up or make up new ones to fill in the blanks.  Then, my dad forgets his hearing aids most of the time  and mom can't hear out of one ear, so here's the scene:

Mom:   Gee the snow is so pretty, it just looks like......uh....."mumble mumble mumble"......
Dad:    What?
Mom:  (silence)
Dad:    What did you say?
Mom:   Are you talking to me?
Dad:    What?
Mom:   (blank stare)
Dad:     What did you say?
Mom:   Did I say something?
Dad:     I think you did
Mom:   I did?   Huh...............
  AWKWARD SILENCE SETS IN
Me:  So, wasn't that lunch at Cafe' Rio amazing?  

And so the story goes.  It was actually kind of cute and endearing to watch this conversation.  My parents love each other so very much.  My dad tries to be patient but many times he says things like "where did you put.....",  remember so and so from you know where" -- things that cause her to remember and yet she can't remember.  This is a big struggle right now as I have to keep reminding him that she can't remember.  Oh joy.

So for those of you who know mom and dad - you know how stinkin' cute they are! 

The beginning of the end

I truly believe that my mom's Alzheimer started to set in when she and my father were serving a mission  in Budapest, Hungary - back in 2003-2005.  When mom came home, she just wasn't the same lady.  She was happy to be home but something was different in her.  She was more easily agitated and a little paranoid.  She told my dad one day that i was "out to get her".......

I've spent the last several years watching her struggle with little things like trying to figure out portions of food to serve when having company for dinner.  Now for those of you who know Kay, she was a lady who liked to entertain and did it well.  And - it was ALL ABOUT THE FOOD.  All of a sudden she started showing up with brownies (to add to my dinner) instead of the agreed upon Green beans.   Or she'd bring beans, but enough for 2 people and we were feeding 8.

Then we moved to mismatched outfits - SO not my mother!  No make -up, but red lipstick.  I noticed her hair was becoming a huge struggle for her and that she just could not make it "look right" anymore.

I was starting to recognize some behaviors that my dear sweet Grandma had in her early stages of this terrible disease.  It was here--- she had been struck.

They have been home from their mission for 6 years now so I guess you could say that mom's had this for 6 years.  wow.  Most people didn't even notice it at first because it just manifested itself with a few little things that just a few of us noticed.

Now, she many times cannot carry on a conversation.  The words go -- or they never come to begin with-- or they come and they are wrong.

Here is a woman who use to do some catering, receptions, teach, administrate -- now she cannot fix a sandwich.  This is a terrible disease.

She is on 2 drugs for Alzheimers and one anti depressant (which has been great).  She is generally pretty happy and can laugh at her mistakes.  Some day- this too will go.

She is loved by so many -- and it's my hopes that through this blog, the many people who love her can share their thoughts and memories of and about her.  And follow us through these last few years of her life.  To me, she is dying, slowly.    And then she'll die again.  I love her and I'm grateful for this chance to take care of her -- I am learning a lot about life and what's really important.  I guess that only happens when we have adversity and trials, right?