Silent Learning

While I sit here at my mother's side tonight,  I am in a different world.  I can look out the window and see cars driving by hear others talking and living life outside.  And here I am - awaiting the ending of a life. It's so surreal.

This morning my parent's Bishop came with his dear wife and he and my father laid their hands upon her head and the Bishop gave her a "blessing of release" from this world.  It was so beautiful and the Lord's presence was surely here. 

I've been writing my mother's Life Sketch for her memorial -reading a personal history she wrote which only goes through my parents engagement. From that point on I am going on my memories of her.  I have so many and could roll on for pages and pages -- so hard to pick and choose.  As I read and re-read my written words I am learning a lot of my mother.

While I was the only daughter - only one of two children - we had some strained times in our life together as mother and daughter.   And - of course as a teen I was not as loving and forgiving as I should have been.  My mother had so many trials in her life - she did the best she could and I know I have been too harsh in judging her.  I have had to make some peace this weekend within my heart with her and with God. As I have had to expose some of my emotions that I have buried all these years.    I've had to soften my heart and truly forgive her for things that have bothered me for quite some time.  I am not speaking of "sins of commission" but more of "omission". 

I think that many of us see our parents as these "super hero's" in our lives when we are young.They can do no wrong and they know all.  Our parents are there to interpret the world for us, to protect us, to teach us and to love us.  And we - these tiny little spirits from heaven are uniquely different.  Our needs are just as unique as our spirits.  It's our parents lifelong journey to learn about who we are and what we need.  And along with this duty, they are living life and growing up also - they've never raised another human being like us -it's all new.

I know my mother loved me more than life itself.  I was her "bright and shiny penny".  We were pals when I was little and I accompanied her to her first teaching job at a Montessori school.  I attended preschool while she taught.  When we showed up at school and I realized I would not be with her -- I was not a happy little girl.    I was a very frightful child - didn't like change, anything new....yeah, I was pretty hard to raise I am sure.  And of course, kids don't always express how they are feeling because they don't know how - so, I was just super shy and whiny all the time. I'm sure this was so hard on my mother as she was also dealing with my brother who was a challenge himself.   I think as much as my mother loved me - she didn't know how to parent me, this difficult child.   And for years I felt overlooked and I distanced myself   It's crazy but it's my reality. 

So, I have had frustrations all these years with my relationship with my mother.  While it was good I am pretty sure that there was a lot left to be desired by my mother -- as I became a very emotionally independent little kid and adult.  I think this made my mother sad all these years. 

So why all this gibberish about me on my mothers blog?  Well - I figured out tonight while I am watching her struggle to hold on to life, with every breath,  that possibly the Good Lord Above needed me to unleash the emotions I have; to show my mother the love that maybe I haven't in the past.  She is still here struggling tonight because I needed to hold her, to caress her face, tell her I love her and tend to her every earthly need.  I had some very tender and silent teaching tonight with my mother. 

My mother - the eternal teacher.  She's been teaching in some form or another since her very first teaching job in the mid 1960's.  Teaching was a passion of hers and here she is, still trying to teach me some important lessons before she can leave me.  Love. Tolerance. Forgiveness. Compassion.

Gotta love this mother of mine.