Slipping slowly

Rough night last night.  This slow death process is just nasty.  I am not liking this one bit.

Mom has been comatose since last Monday --- NINE days ago.  Of course except for Friday when she spent the day "visiting with angels".  During the past 7 days when they rotated her or swabbed her mouth or changed her she would have some facial expressions and utter a moan or two, maybe reach out with her arms.  Now she is just completely motionless -- still.

The past couple days her breathing has been very labored and last night was the worst.  Her lungs are beginning to fill with fluid and she is on a schedule of medication every hour now - morphine and lorazepam. Morphine has been being used the past 4 days for pain.  Now that she cannot express anything to us - and her breathing is so difficult, she gets an oral dose every 2 hours.  This is part of her hospice care and the staff here (assisted living - not a skilled nursing facility) cannot administer it - I have to do it.  Yesterday they added in the Lorazepam which helps her to relax  - as she has been having muscle spasms and jerking a lot, which frightens her.

So, every hour she gets medication orally and I am the one to administer it.  Hence, other than going home for one hour to shower each day - I have been here since Friday morning.  Today is Tuesday - I honestly didn't think I'd still be here.

Last night was the worst - Mom started with the tragic "gurgle" when breathing - she was fighting for every breath; heavy chest compression, just terrible.  I truly believe that we lost her twice last night - no breathing but her little heart just won't give out.  I have never been with someone who is dying and this is not what I was anticipating.  I am so very glad she is on morphine and non responsive as that would be even worse for me.  I feel so helpless watching her gasp and gurgle.  This is just sad.  We got her through her two episodes each time - after a long long pause and uttering that last slow and gentle exhale, she would be so still and peaceful- and I would think, YES!  she did it.  She is done.  And then, she'd take a deep breath.  My mom..... the energizer bunny.  I can't believe this lady!

At one point last night I had to take a break from the hourly medication administration as to be honest, I really have not slept since Thursday night.  I have been keeping a bedside vigil, holding her hand, swabbing her mouth, adjusting her blankets.  But last night I thought I was going to lose it.  I was so tired and so emotionally spent that I told the nurses to hold off for a bit on medication.  So I got 2 hours of sleep and now I feel energized.

Her kidneys are starting to shut down and usually that means the end is near.  Her hospice nurse will be in today (she comes daily) and give us a better assessment of where she is at. Yesterday her oxygen level was at 76 (90's) is ideal. Right now her breathing is intermittent but she is peaceful - no struggling like we had last night, no more muscle twitching and spasms.... she is so calm and quiet today.  Maybe today is our lucky day.

Mom, make today your day please - go join your family who lovingly await you.  You are done here as our mother, grandmother, great grandmother, aunt and friend.  Your mortal body is just to pooped to participate any further :)   Let go and embrace the loved ones who await you and watch over our little family and be a guardian angel to your grandchildren and great grandchildren - THAT, you can do.