Life Sketch from Memorial Service

   Kay was born in Salt Lake City on September 10, 1934.  She was the first child born to Mervin and Winnona Brown- but the second child of 3 to complete this family. Her father was from Provo and her mother, Springville.   She had an older Brother Jerry from her mother's first marriage and a young sister, Barbara born a few years after her.  Kay's parents, had a rough start in life with the families very against this marriage -- but Mervin and Nonie were determined to make a life together so they forged forward - running away to Salt Lake City to be married and starting a new life there - living with loving extended family members.   I can only imagine that when mom was born that my grandparents were the happiest couple on earth. 

   Mom's humble beginnings started the day of her birth at Holy Cross Hospital in Salt Lake City.  Her parents were so poor that they could not pay the bill and thus this was my mothers first time to be a recipient of charity.  The nuns gathered some baby clothes for them to take home - another act of charity.  She must have been aware some how of this because my mother has always been about "doing for others". 

   Kay's parents wanted to name her Penny, but because of the controlling nature of the parents - they were forbidden.  Why?  No one knows.  But my mother honored her parents dream and gave me that special blessing to carry a name so loved by her parents.

   My mother was a  small little girl and her Grandmother at one point when Kay came to stay with her for a while, asked her if her mother fed her.  My mother tended to be a sickly girl - from allergies and whopping cough and  measles along with horrid case of trench mouth as a little girl - months of a purely liquid diet  and eventually they wanted to remove all her teeth.  Her father gave her a priesthood blessing after months of her battling this with no relief and of course, she was healed and was able to keep all her teeth which made her one happy little girl.

   My mother 's early beginnings were very humble surroundings - with her father being a jack of all trades and very resourceful and handy with many skills and her mother working as a maid for some prominent Jewish families in Salt Lake City.  They didn't have much but you'd never know it.  My mother, when writing her personal history expressed so much gratitude for everything little thing she had.  They moved a lot when she was very little and she had fond memories of all the places she lived and people she was able to cross paths with - even as a tiny child.

   From living in various places in Salt Lake to moving all the way to Payson where my great grandfather owned Maple Dell -  living in a very meager cabin.  Maple Dell was a rustic summer camp that he was trying to turn into a business venture. My great grandfather sold this to the BSA  where it serves as a widely used camp property today.

   After years of being away from the immediate family my grandparents returned to Provo with their family of 5.  My mother has some great memories of that short time of her life as there were lots of relatives close by and many family gatherings.    Mom attended Timpangos Elementary school but not for long.  Her father got a better job opportunity and they packed up and moved to Mc Minnville Oregon - a long way from friends and family in Utah.   I imagine from my mothers memories she has shared that there was still stress among the grandparents over this marriage and financially challenged little family and so moving a way was survival for them. 

   From a brief 9 months in McMinnville to Roseburg Oregon -- they just were on the move, looking for ways to improve their lives.  Mom's family spent a few years in Roseburg and she loved it.  However, their family were the only Mormon's in town so they attended another church and mom recieved good training in the bible while there.... at one point, there was a push for people to be baptized and mom went to her father to tell him she wanted to be baptized.  This was such a pivitol point in their family. My grandfather did not want her to be baptized outside of  our LDS faith so he contacted a family friend in Eugene - which was 70 miles away (that was a long drive back then) he, being a bishop arranged for the family to come up and have her interviewed and Kay was baptized by her father.  (from her journal)   Daddy felt a real need for us to attend our own church and discovered that there was another member family that had moved to Roseberg. We started having church with them.  We rented the Women's Club on Main Street and held church there.  Daddy requested that the missionaries come there and they did. The little Branch of Roseberg began.  ( One summer when my husband and I were returning from a vacation to the Northwest, We went through Roseberg and saw the beautiful ward building. What a thrill to see what had grown from a little girl's request for baptism.)

   Years later when my parents lived in Washington (the 1980's-1990's) my mother's path crossed with this Bishop who interviewed her for baptism in the Seattle temple - both my parents and this "bishop of long ago" and his wife were temple workers. It was wonderful for them to catch up and I'm sure it warmed this mans heart to know that this little girl from Roseburg really did have a testimony and it grew.

   As a young girl, my mother really struggled in school - it was so very hard for her.  And so, I take from her personal history ---

My friend Karen got glasses and I used to pray on my way to school that I could wear glasses, too. I remember I had to always sit near the front of the class in order to see the chalk board. My teacher suggested that my parents have my eyes checked and sure enough I was very near sighted and my prayers were answered, I got glasses too. I then discovered a whole world of things. Trees had leaves, Movies were very clear and not just a blur, and there were really things written on the chalk board.  Reading became much easier as I had to be taught all over again how to read.

   With multiple moves in her early educational years and serious vision issues -- her challenges were understandable.  But my mother had something special within her that most all of her teachers saw.  She had a great love of  music and drama.  She was so very blessed to have such insightful teachers in her life that gave her opportunities to shine outside of the typical academic arena.  If there was a play, skit, song or dance to be done - she was going to do it. 

   About the time mom hit 6th grade another big move came into her life - Her father had been offered a great job in Oakland California and off they went. With his past experience in sales my grandfather actually became a "shoe salesman" in a very upscale shoe store in San Francisco.  My grandmother and all her experience was able to obtain a job in the prestigious "Tea Room" at Capwell's.  More changes. Another new School.  Meeting new friends. 

   Oakland became her "home".  And once again, she was blessed with many wonderful and insightful teachers who loved her and appreciated her differences - always allowing her room to shine in the areas that were her talents.  It was in Oakland that their family first attended a "real LDS ward" and she loved it.  

   Mom's years in Oakland were such a blessing in her life.  While her family was not an affluent one, they managed to live in an affluent area and associate with some wonderful people - in and out of our LDS culture.   Mom attended Piedmont High school which was a college preparatory school.   During this time her father had a nervous breakdown and her family fell away from the church - all except mom. Her mother had to get a second  job with a catering company and life just got very stressful and busy.   But mom had made so many wonderful friendships with her peers and leaders at church that she made the effort each Sunday to take 2-3 buses just to get there. She was blessed with many leaders and parents of friends who kept her strong and involved those years and they became lifelong friends.  What a testimony that is to the power of relationships and serving others. 

 

   This was the time when the church  started Stake Youth Dances and my mother was in heaven!  Dancing -- her favorite thing to do.  Rumor has it that she danced a mean Charleston and Lindy swing and when she and her dance partner hit the floor - everyone backed away to watch.  Mom truly had wonderful teen years "despite a few bumps and bruises" as she said.  Her first real job was as an usherette in the Piedmont Theater and then later at Capwell's as a gift wrap girl.  I think she loved this job and she carried that knowledge with her through out her life - she always loved wrapping gifts and making such beautiful bows!

   Upon  high school graduation mom started attending the UC Berkley Institute of Religion with her best friend Shirlee.  Shirlee was one of the biggest blessings in her life as I truly believe that Shirlee was her lifeline to the gospel.  Shirlee's mother Fran held a special place in my mothers heart as Fran gave her the spiritual things that her own mother could not -- that friendship with Shirlee was a deep one lasting through out their adult lives until Shirlee passed away a few years ago.  Mom and Shirlee joined the LDS Sorority Lambda Delta Sigma and enjoyed Institute so much. In1953 and 1954 my mother served as the President and conisdered it to be another great blessing in her life.

   My mother decided that she needed to go to college so she applied and attended BYU.  She lived in Heritage Halls, Snow Hall and majored in Homemaking Education.  She loved her life at BYU and was very involved in, of course, all the social events and dances.  Despite severe allergies to what was latter discovered to be to her pillow and the "Utah seasonal bloomings" her first year was fun enough to return.  She spent most of the first year on Benedryl and frankly didn't get  the best grades but my mom is a fighter.  She returned the second year and her third year ..... as a Junior she came down with measles for the second time in her life.  This was the very weekend that the Junior class was to "hike the Y" and light it up.  She sadly watched from the medical center as her class performed this and she was SO sad.  The odds were routinely stacked against my poor mom but she didn't give up And once again, she had wonderful people in her life to support her and love her -- I think that it made all the difference!

   The summer before her senior year her life would take yet another turn - in a beautiful direction.....  Enter my father.  They both were working in the summer at Capwell's and crossed paths - Mom had ended a rather serious relationship back at school and was NOT looking for love.   ha ha ha.  

   They had been friends in high school and my dad asked her out - she thought, why not?  It's just for fun - nothing serious, right?  They had a fun evening and then -- (from her writings)

        "We drove up to the lot where the Oakland Temple was to be built some time later.  It was a beautiful night and the city looked like a black velvet cloth with thousands of diamonds scattered on it.  We talked a lot more.  We talked about the stars and the universe and he said, “With all of the millions of planets you can’t tell me that there is nobody up there,” Well, that struck a real light in me.  Hmmm maybe he would be interested in hearing more about the Universe."

   Mom came home from that date with lots of pondering to do.  She and Ken both felt pretty strong about a more serious relationship rather quickly after reuniting.  They had known each other for 8 years now, attending the same high school, common friends, attending school events, they knew each other very well ...............as friends.  But something changed that night of their first real date. The next day, my father called her up to ask her to go to the movies (on Sunday)  She said, "No I don't go to movies on Sunday," and he asked why.  She said she goes to church so he said, "well, let's go then."  And they did.  But soon it was time to head off to that senior year at BYU.  She and my dad sadly parted but were reunited over Christmas where they both were in agreement that they would like to marry but it had to be in the temple and dad was not yet a member of the church.

   Dad decided to enter the Air Force Reserves and that training was 6 months.......  but before he left he went to Provo for Valentines day and officially proposed to my mother.  However, there was not a ring just yet. A few months went by and my mother who was close friends to Tom Stone, the Student Body President of BYU, was asked by him to attend a big function with him as his girlfriend had been "campused" for staying out too late.  Mom was engaged and  she was sure dad wouldn't mind.  Well, the very next day - mom's ring arrived in the mail - she was ecstatic!  She popped that thing on without hesitation.  Well she instantly became unpopular for just a bit as many people thought that TOM had given her that ring -- and it was pretty confusing.  BTW-- Tom did give a ring to Diane and they were married and have been lifelong friends with my parents since. 

   Graduation was 1958 and mom set out to find employment as a teacher and dad was still in  Reserves training. the summer of 1958, dad was baptized in "champagne" (He likes to say)  Illinois, that is.   He called mom to tell her and she was so excited - this meant a year until they could marry in the temple.

  Well - you know the next part of story - they got married  in1959 in the Los Angeles Temple.   With my fathers parents who were not members of the church and my mothers parents inactive, they traveled to Los Angeles with my moms best friend Shirlee and her husband and were one of the 250 sealings that day in the temple. 

   They had meager beginnings but mom was use to this, right?  She had humble beginnings growing up, a life of planning and preparing, being frugal and resourceful and paid for her own college education.  She was ready for this new chapter in her life.

   My mother birthed 2 children- my brother Scott and I - he being the first.  And just a few short years into their marriage they purchased their first home in Pleasant hill California -- just east of Oakland  - a new and budding little community.  This was our home for nearly 20 years.  Mom loved to sew and cook and she was a skilled home maker.  

   When I was old enough to go to school, mom started her teaching career.  I truly believe that all those amazing teachers she had in her own life really inspired her in this direction.  She was a frail, tiny, little girl - shy and so unsure of herself and she became the woman she was because of loving teachers and leaders.  I think mom wanted to be that same influence in others lives as well and she was.  She taught everything from Preschool to Junior College - summer school to setting up an experimental Montessori Parent co-op at the local junior college - with great success.  She worked as a teacher for years and eventually as an administrator at a private Montessori school.

   Mom served for years in the Young Women's program, primary and Relief Society of the Church.  Her love of music, drama and dance did not get set aside.  She was involved in many Roadshows and other performances.  A great memory of mine  is when she was the Cultural Refinement instructor for night time Relief Society (women's organization) and she educated herself on each country she was to teach about - even taking cooking classes in that specific countries food so she could really give a great experience to the sisters.  Thank goodness for her we lived in a place where it was culturally diverse!  In her later years she became famous in two different wards they lived in - producing an annual Christmas event with the primary children - A children's Nutcracker performance.  It became tradition in two of the wards they lived in and the kids still talk about it 15 years later.  She tried hard in the Rexburg 10th ward but I think that her Alzheimer's had gone a bit too far for her to perform at the level she had been accustomed to which was sad for me to see. 

   I have fond memories of my parents being a part of a group called Debonaires - which was a a large group of about 300 couples from all over the San Francisco bay that shared the common interest in ballroom dance, Not a performance group but just a club of sorts.  They held  dances several times ayear and they were always a formal event.  Big Bands and grand hotels around the city by the bay and they LOVED those special nights to dress up in formal wear and dance their shoes off!  Mom was a wonderful seamstress and always had such beautiful gowns to wear.

   My mother loved to entertain and throw parties with my father.  They had quite the social life - from fondue parties in the 60's to new years eve game nights-- they were all about the good fellowship of friends. 

   1981 brought a new a exciting chapter into her life and our family.  My father took a new job in the Seattle area and they moved away from an area they both called home for the better part of their lives. Their new ward was one of the biggest blessing in both my parents lives - the next 20+ years my mother and father forged some amazing new friendships and memories that are so cherished.  During this time my mother also cared for 3 of the four parents she and my dad had that were still living.  All at one point lived in their home as she graciously and tenderly cared for them until they needed extensive full time care.  Little did I know that I was receiving special training as a young adult/young married woman.  My mother's mother had Alzheimer's and I learned through watching my mother care for her mother -- lessons I would apply to our own relationship 20 years down the road.  

   Mom and dad both worked in the Seattle Temple for 17 years and when mom was the Stake Relief Society President - our then stake pres was called to serve as the mission president of the Budapest Hungary mission and upon my parents congratulatory handshake he turned to them and said "pack your bags"...... he wanted them to come with him and they did!

   Form 2003-2005 my parents served their mission in Hungary.  Mom was rather scared to leave as she had only flown a few times and NEVER been out of the country but she was a trooper.  When they got to Hungary it was quite an adjustment as President Clement just told them to do what they do best.  What?  They were expecting certain assignments so this was quite a challenge.  So - my parents did what they do best.  The got actively involved in fellow shipping the members- reaching out - building bridges of friendship.  Mom was a teacher so, she taught English classes - using The Living Christ as one of the texts.  Dad did lots of membership records work and of course, they fed the missionaries anytime they could.  Mom played, seamstress, cook, nurse and "mom" to many a missionary and it gave her great joy.

   When they came home we had moved to Rexburg, Idaho and our plan had always been to live close to each other - especially in their aging years so they once again began a new journey in their 70's and moved here to Rexburg.  As many of you know - just a couple of years after they moved here we had to move back to Seattle and leave them behind.  I took great comfort knowing that they had such a wonderful ward, neighbors and community and they would be safe.  I don't know of another place they could have been that would have been better.  This was the place for them to be at this time in their life together.  I have never doubted that one at all.

   As I was reading through mom's writings of her personal history it really hit me hard how deeply she loved the theater, music and dance.  My mom had a great passion for this and it was definitely something that brought her great joy.  For a short time I wondered why my mother didn't pursue a life of theater and performance - a place she adored.  Why did she go into teaching?  And then it hit me.  My mother was a self-less woman with a greater vision than her own joy.  She wanted to touch the lives of children and others as a teacher - she wanted to pay it forward.  Life is not about what we accomplish, or titles we earn -  but who we touch and along the way.  My mother understood this and lived true to it.

    With two of her own children, 9 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren - my mom is greatly loved.  While our family is not a big one - my mother (and my father) have broad arms that have welcomed many young returned missionaries, their young families, children and grandchildren of dear friends to our family. Family is not always about blood - it's about love.  Everyone was  always welcome at the table.  And that was my mother. 

She is home!

Yesterday my mother finally decided it was a good day to go home.  November 23, 2012 at 10:15am Kay was reunited with loving family and all of her best friends who have all passed through the veil.  I am pretty sure it was a JOYOUS reunion on the other side.  Knowing my mother and her friends who all preceded her - they are having some grand times together right now.

And so now I am going to back track a bit ---

On the night of the 21st mom seemed to be showing a few signs she might be in pain so the hospice nurse decided it was best to increase her morphine.  Dad and I spent the day with her and watched her vitals slowly decrease and while it sounds a bit morbid we started to feel a little relief knowing that her end was even closer.

Thursday the 22nd was Thanksgiving day - we actually gathered to have dinner at my dads and had a nurse come in to be with mom for 2 hours so we could all have a much needed break and we also hoped that maybe if mom did not want us present at her passing - she would go then.  Nope, not so.  However we were sure she would pass in the night so I had my dad say his good-byes before he left. 

Friday morning as the sun rose rays were peeking through mom's window. I opened the shades that had been slightly filtering the rays of warmth and light. The room filled with instant warmth and glow - it was so bright, shining right down on her.   There was a "new" feel to this day for sure. Then I realized that today, November 23rd  - the day after Thanksgiving, was the first day of a season my mom loved.  Christmas -- and that meant Christmas music.  So - I changed the station we'd bee lisitening to for the last week non-stop to a station that was playing Christmas music.  It was wonderful. I'm pretty sure she was smiling on the inside :)

I felt a change come over me.

Chris our wonderful Hopsic nurse came in for our daily check - it was becoming very apparent that we had maybe only hours left.  Mary, the hospice caregiver who does the bathing came in to see us.  It was decided that the warm water and loving human touch would be a gift to my mother as she leaves this world.  Mary began giving her a little sponge bath and I started to help her -- I truly believe that the warm water and soft human touch was of great comfort to her and allowed her spirit to fully let go and leave her mortal body behind.  I was so pleased that it was so peaceful for her. 

I kissed her forhead and said, "oh mom...... you did it.  You are done!  I will feel your presence here with me.  Watch over your grandchildren and great grandchildren. I am so happy for you!"

The joy I felt was immeasurable for sure.  I called my husband Devon so he could tell my dad and they could come down to us.  Of course there were some tears but I truly believe that they were tears of relief, not saddness. Tears of joy.  She had completed her earthly mission.

Mom's request was to be cremated and to NOT have a big funeral with a viewing.  She did not want anyone to see her dead - oh mother.  So respecting her wishes we are doing so. The funeral home came to get her and then my father and I followed to set the final arrangements.  Then, Lauren (my eldest daughter) and I dressed my mother's body for her cremation.  It was a very tender and sweet experience - the last bit of service I will ever offer my mother who was such an example of service in her own life. 

Mom's memorial and celebration of a life well lived will be on Tuesday November 27th 11am  at the Rexburg East Stake Center building, LDS church.  We look forward to honoring her, visiting with friends and feeling of everyone's love and support.  We have set aside 45 minutes prior to the service to visit with everyone.

http://www.flammfh.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1831691&fh_id=11942   Please visit this page of her obituary and take a moment to "sign the guest book" - mostly for my father. I will be printing it off and putting it into a book.   While I have recieved numerous messages of comfort via facebook - he's older and doesn't have that avenue for support.  It would be much appreciated. 

Well done Kay, loving wife, dedicated mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, neighbor, teacher and lover of children everywhere. 

seeking for understanding

So, here we are -- 10 days into the "last days" of mother's life and I am really struggling with WHY things are playing out as they are.  For all intent purposes my mother should have passed away last Thursday. But Thursday night came and she rallied for a whole 24 hours.  Gotta love my mom. 

She is on morphine every two hours, alternating other hour with Lorazepam.  The morphine is to ease any pain she is having as her body shuts down.  The Lorazepam is there to keep her relaxed as she was having lots of jerking (like she was being startled) and she was agitated.   So she is very relaxed and does not appear to be in any pain.  But she is completely comatose so who is to know, right?  Other than the one day on Friday where she spent her day "visiting" with beloved family who are on the other side - we have not even seen her eyes.  She is in a semi-coma.

Just to clear up any misunderstandings.  She was comatose BEFORE we started the morphine.  The morphine did not put her in this state.  okay?  I've actually been accused of launching this whole thing with morphine - not so.   We had to give her the Lorazepan because she was twitching and jerking so much she was hitting the wall and scaring herself. 

So here is the deal with my mother.  She is ONE STRONG WOMAN.  She is so healthy (other than Alzheimer's) - no other health issues. So here is her poor little body with a healthy heart and lungs just working so hard to keep her alive.  Apparently they have not got the newsflash about the Alzheimer's just yet :)

So I keep her bedside vigil, with music playing for her in the background and adjusting her covers, pillow, padding, etc.  I'll admit that this is getting old- not so much for me, but her!  Dang it mother, why are you hanging on so hard?

My family is all here and have all said good-bye.  We called my brothers family so they could tell her good-bye, everyone has told her to release and go.  I've told her I love her, I've made amends, told her that she is done here and needs to move on - I've been telling her for 5 days now that I need her spirit on the other side to help my children through their upcoming stages of life- that she's way more helpful to us as a family on the other side.  Lauren even made efforts (which always fail) to contact an estranged grand-daughter who has been avoiding her loving grandparents for nearly 10 years now.  It's been rather painful for my parents to be so rejected.  This was their first born grandchild and they adore her.   Well, she answered the phone call and Lauren told her that Nanny was dying and could not let go -- that maybe Lindseys voice could be the final puzzle piece to helping her cross to the other side.  Lots of tears in that moment for sure.  But--- that doesn't seem to be the KEY to her release.

We tell her when we are leaving the room and for how long and give her space to let go alone if that is her wish.  We have done everything we can think of but this girl is not budging.

So, thus is my dear mother.  She liked to be in charge, that is for sure.  She like to be in control and those traits are still with her.  She also LOVED drama, theater and productions - maybe this is it.  She wants to control the outcome a bit.  This is HER PLAY - SHE'S the director and she is doing it HER WAY.  She didn't want a tragedy - she wanted a comedy.  Mom was a big Danny Kaye fan - she loved his humor.  She has always told me she didn't want a bunch of us sitting around being all sad at her departure.  She wanted us to celebrate and have a party.  I'll admit that I'm losing my patience a bit and now we  (the staff and myself) are having a little bit of humor in all this about her control she is exercising.   I've gone from tears a few days ago to "C'mon Mom, we can't start the party if you are still here, lets get this rolling, okay?" 

While I know that she would be terribly disappointed to see her lot in these last days - a state no one wants - her wishes of no medical measures to preserve her are being honored.  So glad that my mother had a health care directive in place so we can handle this the way she wanted.  It's not been pretty, that is for sure.  But she also did not want to be "in a home" for 12 years like her mother.

More silent learning today for me - maybe I'm the one who is holding all this up.  I have come to love the other clients here in the memory care unit. I feel great compassion for them.  And the staff here?  Wow, what amazing people.  It takes a special person to care for the elderly/aging population.  They all have been here to offer such loving and tender care to my mother with such dignity and respect.  They have extended their loving arms to me - they  offer me meals, treats, emotional support and I feel so blessed by their efforts.  Strangely enough - I'm going to miss this place.  I might have to come visit after this ordeal is over.  hee hee.  Some of the clients think I work here  - pretty cute. 

Slipping slowly

Rough night last night.  This slow death process is just nasty.  I am not liking this one bit.

Mom has been comatose since last Monday --- NINE days ago.  Of course except for Friday when she spent the day "visiting with angels".  During the past 7 days when they rotated her or swabbed her mouth or changed her she would have some facial expressions and utter a moan or two, maybe reach out with her arms.  Now she is just completely motionless -- still.

The past couple days her breathing has been very labored and last night was the worst.  Her lungs are beginning to fill with fluid and she is on a schedule of medication every hour now - morphine and lorazepam. Morphine has been being used the past 4 days for pain.  Now that she cannot express anything to us - and her breathing is so difficult, she gets an oral dose every 2 hours.  This is part of her hospice care and the staff here (assisted living - not a skilled nursing facility) cannot administer it - I have to do it.  Yesterday they added in the Lorazepam which helps her to relax  - as she has been having muscle spasms and jerking a lot, which frightens her.

So, every hour she gets medication orally and I am the one to administer it.  Hence, other than going home for one hour to shower each day - I have been here since Friday morning.  Today is Tuesday - I honestly didn't think I'd still be here.

Last night was the worst - Mom started with the tragic "gurgle" when breathing - she was fighting for every breath; heavy chest compression, just terrible.  I truly believe that we lost her twice last night - no breathing but her little heart just won't give out.  I have never been with someone who is dying and this is not what I was anticipating.  I am so very glad she is on morphine and non responsive as that would be even worse for me.  I feel so helpless watching her gasp and gurgle.  This is just sad.  We got her through her two episodes each time - after a long long pause and uttering that last slow and gentle exhale, she would be so still and peaceful- and I would think, YES!  she did it.  She is done.  And then, she'd take a deep breath.  My mom..... the energizer bunny.  I can't believe this lady!

At one point last night I had to take a break from the hourly medication administration as to be honest, I really have not slept since Thursday night.  I have been keeping a bedside vigil, holding her hand, swabbing her mouth, adjusting her blankets.  But last night I thought I was going to lose it.  I was so tired and so emotionally spent that I told the nurses to hold off for a bit on medication.  So I got 2 hours of sleep and now I feel energized.

Her kidneys are starting to shut down and usually that means the end is near.  Her hospice nurse will be in today (she comes daily) and give us a better assessment of where she is at. Yesterday her oxygen level was at 76 (90's) is ideal. Right now her breathing is intermittent but she is peaceful - no struggling like we had last night, no more muscle twitching and spasms.... she is so calm and quiet today.  Maybe today is our lucky day.

Mom, make today your day please - go join your family who lovingly await you.  You are done here as our mother, grandmother, great grandmother, aunt and friend.  Your mortal body is just to pooped to participate any further :)   Let go and embrace the loved ones who await you and watch over our little family and be a guardian angel to your grandchildren and great grandchildren - THAT, you can do. 

Silent Learning

While I sit here at my mother's side tonight,  I am in a different world.  I can look out the window and see cars driving by hear others talking and living life outside.  And here I am - awaiting the ending of a life. It's so surreal.

This morning my parent's Bishop came with his dear wife and he and my father laid their hands upon her head and the Bishop gave her a "blessing of release" from this world.  It was so beautiful and the Lord's presence was surely here. 

I've been writing my mother's Life Sketch for her memorial -reading a personal history she wrote which only goes through my parents engagement. From that point on I am going on my memories of her.  I have so many and could roll on for pages and pages -- so hard to pick and choose.  As I read and re-read my written words I am learning a lot of my mother.

While I was the only daughter - only one of two children - we had some strained times in our life together as mother and daughter.   And - of course as a teen I was not as loving and forgiving as I should have been.  My mother had so many trials in her life - she did the best she could and I know I have been too harsh in judging her.  I have had to make some peace this weekend within my heart with her and with God. As I have had to expose some of my emotions that I have buried all these years.    I've had to soften my heart and truly forgive her for things that have bothered me for quite some time.  I am not speaking of "sins of commission" but more of "omission". 

I think that many of us see our parents as these "super hero's" in our lives when we are young.They can do no wrong and they know all.  Our parents are there to interpret the world for us, to protect us, to teach us and to love us.  And we - these tiny little spirits from heaven are uniquely different.  Our needs are just as unique as our spirits.  It's our parents lifelong journey to learn about who we are and what we need.  And along with this duty, they are living life and growing up also - they've never raised another human being like us -it's all new.

I know my mother loved me more than life itself.  I was her "bright and shiny penny".  We were pals when I was little and I accompanied her to her first teaching job at a Montessori school.  I attended preschool while she taught.  When we showed up at school and I realized I would not be with her -- I was not a happy little girl.    I was a very frightful child - didn't like change, anything new....yeah, I was pretty hard to raise I am sure.  And of course, kids don't always express how they are feeling because they don't know how - so, I was just super shy and whiny all the time. I'm sure this was so hard on my mother as she was also dealing with my brother who was a challenge himself.   I think as much as my mother loved me - she didn't know how to parent me, this difficult child.   And for years I felt overlooked and I distanced myself   It's crazy but it's my reality. 

So, I have had frustrations all these years with my relationship with my mother.  While it was good I am pretty sure that there was a lot left to be desired by my mother -- as I became a very emotionally independent little kid and adult.  I think this made my mother sad all these years. 

So why all this gibberish about me on my mothers blog?  Well - I figured out tonight while I am watching her struggle to hold on to life, with every breath,  that possibly the Good Lord Above needed me to unleash the emotions I have; to show my mother the love that maybe I haven't in the past.  She is still here struggling tonight because I needed to hold her, to caress her face, tell her I love her and tend to her every earthly need.  I had some very tender and silent teaching tonight with my mother. 

My mother - the eternal teacher.  She's been teaching in some form or another since her very first teaching job in the mid 1960's.  Teaching was a passion of hers and here she is, still trying to teach me some important lessons before she can leave me.  Love. Tolerance. Forgiveness. Compassion.

Gotta love this mother of mine.

Nearing the end of life

Life has sure taken over for me and I so regret not keeping mom's blog up to date.

Here we are, November 17th -- it's been a very busy and emotional time in my own life -maybe that is why I avoided writing......  Mom has neared the end of her life rather quickly.   This is kind of coming as a shock because her mother lived for 12 years in nursing care with Alzheimer's -- so four and a half months seems rather "sudden" and yet its a relief.  I know that watching my mother care for her mother all those years - the visits to the nursing home and feeling like she could not ever leave and go anywhere was so hard.

In August there came an opening at the Homestead center in Rexburg- much closer to dad who was spending  an hour or so each day driving back and forth to St. Anthony.  She is in the Memory Care unit- much smaller and set up for this specific need.  But once Mom got here she really started to spiral downward - which I know is normal when their surroundings change. 

I have been coming every couple of weeks from Seattle to check in on my parents - spend time with my dad and keep a pulse on it all.  Dad had knee replacement surgery on October 10th and I came for that - he was in the hospital for 4 days and then in rehabilitative care for 2.5 weeks.  He is doing AWESOME but he went for 2 weeks without seeing my mother.  Leah my daughter lives close by so she was wonderful at visiting both of them and giving me reports. 

I actually stayed in Seattle the whole time he was in rehab care to live my life a little -- it was nice knowing they BOTH were being taken care of.  I came back when it was time for him to come home and stayed a week or so and he was doing so fabulous that he didn't really need me for physical assistance.  His neighbors and ward members were wonderful at bringing some meals and visiting with him- also driving him over to see mom the week I went back home.

I was just here in town with my father last week and went back home last Saturday - mom was doing as well as could be expected.  Not really talking anymore, unable to walk or feed herself.  Pretty much full time care at this point.  They still got her up everyday, dressed her, fed her, propped her up in a lounge chair and so forth.  Until Sunday.  Sunday was the beginning of what looks like we are nearing the end.

In just 3 months mom is now completely bedridden and the end stages are here as of this week. We have hospice care in place for her and it's been wonderful. We decided that to take measure to prolong her life was not fair. She did NOT want to go like this -- she told me very clearly while caring for her own mother that she did not, in anyway want any measures taken to stretch it out -at all. So - we are letting nature and her body do what it needs and wants to do. 

On Sunday my mother decided she didn't want to live anymore -I think.  Completely non-responsive to any stimulus.  She would not wake up - no food, no water, nothing.  Hospice called me Monday night an we decided that this was probably the end.  I started to make plans to quickly return back to Rexburg but could not fly out until Thursday.  From Sunday until Thursday she did not awaken and did not eat or drink.

Thursday afternoon she woke up a bit but was pretty incoherent, uttering gibberish, glassy-eyed and just out of it.  I arrived Thursday night and spent several hours by her bedside and then we went home. Came back on Friday (yesterday) and she was awake from 9:30 - 9:30 -- TWELVE hours.  This is no where near normal for her these days - especially the past several.  She was with us but "not with us".

Oh the veil is so very thin between earth and heaven and I have been a witness to that these past 2 days.  Yesterday her day, I truly believe, was filled with heavenly visitors to comfort her.  She talked a lot with them - reacted to them, smiled, laughed, etc.  It was one of the most interesting things I have witnessed in my life.  She would call out, "Mother and Dad, Grandfather...... say things like, "I want to go" and then "I'm not finished yet".  She would grimace with fright and then smile lovingly-- quite a broad expanse of emotions.  It was an exhausting day sitting with her as she visited with everyone.  Most of her speech was not understandable and then she'd blurt out a 3 or 4 word sentence - something I've not heard for months.  Who can actually deny that there is life beyond and that loved ones await our arrival back home?  I sure cannot.

I spent my day holding her hands, swabbing her mouth for moisture and giving her tiny bits of ice cream - her favorite treat.  I also whispered gently that she needed to "go" and to not be afraid.  This was my repetition all day long to her.  Near the evening she snapped for a millisecond and looked directly at me (she has not been able to make eye contact) and said, "I keep trying!'. She finally settled in late in the evening to sleep. 

The hospice nurse has her on morphine to ease the pain that comes as their bodies shut down.  And yesterday I apparently was not giving her enough and they think that is why she was so active.  Also, they say that many times a person will rally up shortly before dying and have some time in this "up" state. 

So this morning brought a much different picture.  She has been sleeping all day.  The staff rotate her every 2 hours to keep the bed sores from forming - and she does not like to be moved - it hurts her poor little body.  I think she is down to maybe 100 pounds at this point.  So, while she has not been very awake today we've increased the morphine to every 2 hours to keep her relaxed and pain free when she is moved.  I am pretty sure the dosage will be increased as right now it's pretty small.

Her breathing is rather irregular and she is non responsive once again.  Her body is shutting down ever so slowly. I am not sure how many more days she'll hang on but I'm here to say this mother of mine is a fighter. 

I spent 12 hours with her yesterday by her side - trying to calm her and understand her conversations with those beyond the veil.  Today, another 12 hours but spent much differently than yesterday.   I wrote her life sketch for her memorial.  It's been a calm and peaceful day here as I looked out the window, felt the sunshine come through on my face and listened to quiet music.  Kind of in our own little world over here and it's just fine. 

Because this is assisted living and mom is on round the clock medication at this point, I'll be staying the night with her to give her the morphine as the night staff are not allowed. I know it sounds a bit odd but this is not a nursing home - it's a lovely assisted living place that will keep them through death- as long as they don't have to be on life support. So we need to be more involved in her end stages especially for hospice type care.  They do all they can with bathing, changing, rotating and even some feeding but at this point, someone really needs to be with her almost full time and that is family.  

Praying for her release anytime now. 

A Fourth Follow up

This was sitting in my drafts!  I cannot believe I never posted this --

My last post was on the afternoon of July 4th -- it had not been really good day for mom.  Dad and I went to a friends for a BBQ and went back over about 8pm to see mom (I was leaving in the morning).  She was still up (called to confirm it)....the only one still awake.  She was sitting in the Big TV area watching a MOTAB special Patriotic show.  We came in and sat with her and she was just entranced by the music.

When the Battle Hymn of the Republic came on something came over her.  She said, "Oh, we have to march to this"....and she stood up- I stood with her.  We faced each other and grabbed hands and marched to the beat.  She was SO HAPPY!  Then she started singing and got louder and louder, she knew all the words.  Then, she took one hand away from mine and started "leading the band", singing, marching -- it was so incredibly sweet. But she wasn't making eye contact with me  - it was if she was in her own little world.   I haven't seen her exert that much energy in months.

When it was over, she slumped down on the couch and said she was tired.  And rightfully so.  We took her down to her room and put her to bed--- her head barely hit the pillow and she was out. 

I was so glad we went back - I needed a better ending to the day and my trip and that was exactly what I got.  Thank you Lord, for giving this to me.

Dad is doing fine - a little lonely and lost without mom to care for.  She cries everyday when he goes to see her --but then after a while of sitting together, she'll just get up and wander off.  That is when dad can leave because she doesn't remember he's there.

He's trying to reinvent himself a bit I think.  Starting to walk the running track down at BYU-Idaho, making plans to finish some things in his wood shop, do some fishing.  He's coming this week for a visit and I think it will be good for both of them.  Mom needs some settling in time and he needs to see the family.

Settling in

On Monday July 2, 2012 my father and I moved my mother into an assited living center in St. Anthony Idaho.  The Homestead is a wonderful place where mom will finish out the remainder of her earthly life.

Getting her ready for the day, that Monday morning was almost surreal.  I felt like I had a big secret that I was keeping from her.( Not too long ago I had a similar experience of being involved with an intervension/removal to rehab situation and I almost had the same feelings.)   We had talked about her going there to live - rather we told her that was what was going to happen and she was just fine with our story.  How much did she understand - I'm not sure. 

I had packed a few things of hers - just some clothes, 3 pairs of shoes, basic personal items and some pictures from home.  I had bought her new sheets for her twin bed (hasn't slept in one of those for over 50 years now), a nice new sea shell coverlet (because she loves shells/ocean) and we were off to the new place.  We walked in and the whole time it was as if she had no clue what was going on.  It was so awkward!  She and dad had lunch with everyone while I put her room together. 

Her first 2 nights have been hard -- she gets up and wanders most of the night and so they are going to get her somehting to relax her so she'll sleep.  She's just missing my dad's warm, cushy body next to her but she cannot explain that and she doesn't have to -- I know it.  They've been snugglin' for 53 years now :).   

She has been very pleasant and is so sweet to everyone.  They just love her.  She is helping folding towels which is what I did with her at home to occupy a few moments of the day.  We spent more time with her yesterday - dad and I can eat meals with her whenever we come to visit which is so nice.  The cooks are wonderful and EVERYTHING, down to the bread is homemade, fresh each day.
There is a nice large living room area/lobby area with a big screen TV and mom and dad have sat there cozied up together watching TV, just like home.

Today, July 4th dad and I went to the huge parade here in Rexburg -- kind of different not having mom along with us.  Afterwards we went to see mom and she was just finishing lunch. Meal time is hard for her -- very confused about the use of silverware - from which to use when and HOW to use it.  The staff is great about learning the likes and dislikes of each patient and helps them get their food down. 

Seeing as mom does not have a TV in her room (she can't operate it) I decided to bring her a CD player and dad burned some Tony Bennett and Glenn Miller CD"S for her.  We just put them on and mom perked up!  Dad and mom LOVE to ballroom dance so there they were, in this litttle bedroom with the music on and he took her into his arms and they swayed to the music.  I had to leave because for some reason - REALITY hit me HARD.  As my eyes welled with tears, so did my fathers.  My mom?  totally unware of what was going on, just loving the music.  I went out in the hall, had a good cry (my first one) and then returned to find them just sitting in awkward silence. 

 Mom can't really converse anymore -- just lots of "random phrases and words.  Today was so hard because it was if she had something really important to tell me... I could feel it and see it in her eyes.  The words? Locked up in her mind and heart as if they being held back by a dam.  I wanted the damn to break so she could verbalize what she so depserpately wanted to say but -- nope, not going to happen.  She just kept saying "now, about that.................." and "I was going to....................."  or remember now........."  those dots I just typed---- that's where she stops and looks around in frustration.  She is constantly looking for things  - but doesn't know what.  She grabs for things that aren't there........is that just a reflex thing or is she seeing something?  Oh, I am not liking this one bit.

After lunch and the dance - I laid her down to take a nap and left the music playing....  I hope the nurses just hit the play button when it stops.  maybe I need to find one that will just continue to play?

We just tell her that we're leaving and she says, "ok"......... this is just terrible.  I'm feeling ways I didn't think I would.  This is hard.  Super hard. Getting on that plan tomorrow night is going to be quite an emotional challenge.   While I have been talking myself into the idea and the reality of "this is what is best for my mom" it still hurts.  I should be living here to care for her - that was the plan.  I'm hurt.  I'm mad.  I'm frustrated --  Feeling many things I just have probably been supressing in order to keep my dad afloat. 

He's had a few moments each day when he gets choked up and lets a few tears flow - I'm sure he's trying to be strong for me - and I, for him.  I guess tomorrow night when I'm back home - we'll both let it out and just cry a good cry.

I feel so blessed to have such a great place for my mother -- I think that God knew her path and that she was going to need to be in this town with so many people who love her (her church and neighbors) and that The Homestead was going to be "her place".

My prayer is that she is not going to have to suffer much longer with this horrific disease. However, other than Alzhiemer's she is pretty darn healthy.  Curse or blessing - I just dont' know.   You know, the Lord has very clever ways of teaching us the things we need to know and I'm praying that I"ve been humbled about "old age" and I've learned what I needed to learn about these tender and sometimes very sad/lonely years in an elderly person's life.  I pray that my shortcomings and lessons to be learned are not directly related to my mother's time on earth.  I pray that I can be a quick learner and that she can "go home" and be freed from the hours, days and weeks of her frustrations. 

To "the home" we go.....

It's been while since I posted -- what else is new?  I just have a few things going on in my life these days!  Tomorrow my mother will be a new resident at "The Homestead".  It's an assisted living center that is very very nice.  They will keep her there and care for her well beyond typical "assited living center" abilities - until she passes or gets far too ill and needs heavy medical care. 

We visited there on friday and introduced her to the staff.  She seemed to grasp the idea that she was going to be living there -- I think.  I told her that because she was not feeling well (her constant complaint) .. that she was going to go stay there where there were nurses who could help her with her medication and see if we can't get her feeling better.  "Oh, that's great", was her reply.   She met the staff and was pretty entertaining and chipper.  Lots of non-sensical comments and quirky sayings -- pretty funny.  I'm amazed that through it all, she still attempts to be jovial - at times.

My dad is starting to feel some relief I think.  I know this will be hard -- they are sweethearts of 50+ years.  But the burden  - and I dont' really mean burden because my dad was willing to do ANYTHING - of her care has been hard on dad.  I think, no.... I know he is looking forward to having a little bit of life for himself again.  I just hope we aren't too late.  He wants to go fishing, walking and join weight watchers :).   He's gained a lot of weight from sitting on the couch with mom all day and keeping his calorie consumption up with all the goodies he loves.  You know my dad -- he's a foodie, 150%.  He loves his ice cream, cookies, soda and salami and cheese!

I have to say they are pretty darn cute -- it's morning and I just peeked in on them because dad is usually up fairly early (so he says).  He's not up and usually is by now.  They are all snuggled up together, both snoring away in slumber bliss.  Most likely savoring the last few mornings of snuggle time before they are sleeping separately.  Kind of sad.  I'm pretty sure they never invisioned life as it is.  I don't know how many couples do.

Mom is pretty wobbly on her feet these day.  I had dad get a handicapped parking permit which should have been done a long time ago.  She really should have a wheeled-walker thing to use when manuevering around.  Going to look into that one.

She continues to become more and more confused - which is expected.  She sees a chair and knows it's to sit on, but starts to sit while facing it - just can't make the connection that her bum needs to be above the seat.  Eating is quite a task for her - finger food is best and even then, if there are too many things (choices) it's confusing.  We had shrimp and fries yesterday, little cup of cocktail sauce and little cup of slaw; she tried to drink the cocktail sauce - dipping her fries in her water .... so sad.

She just wants to sleep - and I don't blame her.  She is so confused, it must be tiring and emotionally draining.  I can't even imagine spending my day, everyday, wondering who I am, where I am, why things are they way they are and an inablilty to express myself.  I just want to climb into her head and see the world as she does.  It's such a mystery. 

I told dad last night that it was time we talk about HIS PLAN - "you are almost 80 dad, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that is old, ya know?"  He agreed.  So, first things first; get mom settled and then we start to plan for a few different scenarios for this part of his life. He's been pretty house bound the past 2 years.  I am hoping that he'll take this freedom and do some of the things he's wanted to do but been unable to.

Lost in Translation -

The phone rings.  It's my dad.  "Mom won't eat", he says.  I'm thinking - so what else is new?  She's been doing this one for a while.  Then he and I launch into some heated words between us -- I hate this.

My father will just not come to terms with the fact that my mother is like a 4 year old.  It was all I could do to not just scream at him -- "WAKE UP - Your wife is dying!"   We went round and round and round until I just told him that this is one of the reasons I have not come for a while.  He just refuses to get on board with this disease.  He's failed

I go there, I clean, prep meals, analyze and evaluate, give dad advice and blah blah blah.  He tells me he's going to change.  Exercise, better meals, better hygiene, etc.   It never happens.  IT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY.  I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE TO CARE FOR THEM - YEAH, I'M A BIT MAD TODAY.

I had to have some very frank and painful words with dad.  "What's your plan?"  "My plan for what?"  Eye, yeye, yeye............  I told him that every day when I call or he calls me I am awaiting the dreaded news that one of them has passed away, fallen, etc.  That scary day that is coming - when my mother doesn't know the man laying next to her in bed?  yeah - wow............  I told him he needed to prepare for that one.  Then, I had to launch into the conversation of what is his plan for her if he would pass away BEFORE her.  ugh...................   I think that he feels he's immortal.   So what's the plan if my father should have a heart attack and die on the spot at home?  Well, he said that my mom would just go to the neighbors house and get them.  SERIOUSLY?   She doesn't even know where she lives anymore.  He said, "well, what would we have done 15 years ago?"   Um, excuse me, fifteen years ago my mother had a functioning brain.  Then I was VERY MORBID with him and said that she could sit there for days, unfed and cared for - "waiting for him to wake up".   He didn't believe me - he told me that he's pretty sure she'd go get help.  (she cannot use a phone so she'd have to leave the house to find someone.....)

Okay, I'm a bit more calm now.  Talked to Devon and he had a great "ah ha" moment for us both.  Me, trying to talk to my dad about what needs to be done is just like my dad talking to my mom....  totally lost in translation.  I really think that my dad is just not capable of this most draining task.

Time to find someone to come in and check on them each day ------  I just called the doctors office and he's not in but I did get some info on her weight.  She's down to 112 lbs.  She was 120 just 6 weeks ago...........this is not good. 

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yes, that is what my mother asked my father today when they were sitting on the couch - snuggled up together watching TV.  Now,this was a sizing him up kind of question - not an accusing question - pretty funny.

I'm just here for a day and a half this time -- I've been here a lot the past few months and I continue to fail on my blogging.  Back in Februray dad and I had made the decision to move mom to assisted living so I went down, got the paperwork filled out, they had a room, we went and visited and then - he just couldn't do it.  I was so frustrated  as I had spend days working on it.  But, I had to ease off.  This is his sweetheart, his couch buddy, his car ride companion, his girl with matching shirt, his love.   I've had to take a step back and just let their lives go where it may.  It's been hard at times and a relief at other times.

Dad insisted he can care for her so - I continue to let him try.  I had a dear friend tell me to keep her home as long as possible because when they go into full time care they tend to go down hill much faster.  Dad tries but I fear that most days she is just in her jammies and doesn't get a bath as often as I'd like.  Her meals are scattered and not full of variety, things are not perfect but I can't change that.

Last week dad called me with a very frustrated tone of voice.  He had been bathing mom and she got very confused with all washing and drying and she yelled at him, popped him one and ran to the bed and hid under the covers, crying.  She is so lost ---  I was able to calm dad down which was good.  She gets so emotional and confused.  breaks my heart.

Dad is filled with hope that she will be the recipient of a miracle of sorts.  He has great hope that she'll be cured.  He's trying supplements he finds and reads about but they aren't doing much good.   It frustrates me because there is so much he COULD have done - they COULD have done earlier but didn't.  Diet, exercise and mental stimulation - now its' too late.

So today the conversations were about :

Do I live here?  Where is "here"?  How many children do I have?  She asked me if I live here, she asked Lauren if she lived here (all meaning at the house).  She was thrilled to hear that she had served a mission to Hungary.  She sat me down to tell me that she now understands everything that is going on -- it's because of Alzhiemers!  "It explains so much" she said.  Oh brother.  MY dad actually looked relieved as she shared with this me - as if we'd had a miracle - she understands!  Too bad in about 15 minutes she forgets everything we just talked about.  And my dad seems to forget that she cannot remember things.  I think that he actually thought to himself, "wow, she knows now -- this will be great.  she'll be able to function because she understands"......  yikes.  I sometimes wonder if my dad isn't battling something himself -- he just cannot process the fact that my mother's brain is just dying.

Who is this man who worked for 25+ years, raised a family, built a swimming pool and deck, cared for cars and our yard, took us on vacation, etc.  How can he NOT process all this?  It's just beyond my own comprehension.   He insists on explaining everything to her which just confuses her even more -- her days are filled with his probing questions (testing her), his explanations which all lead to his frustration and then they argue.  It just kills me.

I am going to be looking into getting someone to come in everyday and assists with just general care such as bathing, dressing, food prep for the day and maybe some exercise - for BOTH OF THEM.  Dad is not ready to move her to full time care but he is tired and it's wearing on him.  He's going to lose her social security when she leaves so why not start using it now to pay for help at the house? It's that or she has got to go to assisted living.  Oh I am dreading that day.

This was not the plan.  I was supposed to live close by so I could care for my parents.  We all started planing this years ago when my parents moved next door to us.  Then, they went on a mission - we moved to Idaho.  They followed us.  It was working out good back then - of course that was before we REALLY needed to be living close.  Then, we had to move back to Seattle.